Seeing Snape
by SiuanSedai
Summary: Series of crack!drabbles written for writinggame livejournal community. A simple snog in the potions cupboard reveals the secret relationship between Sevviekins and Minnie to Harry, Hermione, and therefore the entirety of Hogwarts.
1. Bribe

This, and the future chapters, were written for writinggame, a livejournal challenge.

**Prompt B: Bribe**

"Hermione, why _there_ of all places?" Hermione shrugged a little sheepishly.

"I've always wanted to snog someone in Snape's private storeroom," she answered. Harry shook his head; in an imitation of Ron he murmured "Mad. Completely stark raving mad."

"Please Harry? I can't leave Hogwarts without my fantasies coming true," she begged. Harry considered this.

"Ok… on one condition: next time we're fulfilling _my_ location fantasy," he bargained.

"Done."

The sound of Snape's angry roars were heard throughout Hogwarts later that afternoon, when he walked into his beloved, revered storeroom to find Potter and Granger making out. But the sound had nothing on Harry and Hermione's screams when they realised that Snape was there with Professor McGonagall for precisely the same reason as they were.

* * *

Please don't ask me to make the future ones any longer, because the whole point of the challenge is to use 50-200 words :-)


	2. Allergic to Mondays

"I'm beginning to wonder if Garfield has a point," Snape muttered to himself; unfortunately for him, he was heard.

"I must say Severus, your generally evil disposition doesn't lend itself to reading muggle cartoons," McGonagall commented dryly. Snape scowled. "What's the matter, Sevviekins?" she cooed.

"Oh, everything," he lamented. "Malfoy attempted to strangle Creevey with his own bogies, our alone time got interrupted by Potter and Granger making out in my precious cupboard –"

"Copycats," McGonagall muttered.

"And do you know what's worst of all, Minnie my dearest?" Snape said woefully, the pitch of his voice raising to levels higher and more unbearable than the Fat Lady's occasional arias.

"What is it, Sevviekins?" McGonagall asked worriedly, feeling his forehead when he sneezed three times in a row.

"See? I told you it was tragic," Snape said, resisting the urge to start blubbering. One couldn't be sure that Malfoy wasn't lurking behind something – yes, the empty room they were in was the size of the Great Hall, but so _what_? – waiting to strangle Snape with his own bogies. One could never tell with Draco. He decided to reveal his borrowed theory anyway; he was a hypochondriac anyway. "_I'm allergic to Mondays_."


	3. Faith

"I art joyous, Harry. How be thee?" Hermione said cheerily. Harry looked at her, a little surprised.

"Well, I be a little more sober than you…" he said.

"That's not hard, o greatest knight of mine," Hermione admitted.

"You can say that again," Harry agreed fervently. "Why are you so drunk? It's only one in the afternoon."

"I have come to a declaration," his bushy-haired girlfriend announced resolutely. "No – I be wrong – tis a realisation I have come to," she informed him a moment later.

"What's that?" Harry asked. Hermione smiled and poured him out a glass of Firewhiskey.

"I have found faith," she said portentously.

"Is that a good thing?" Harry asked warily. Hermione had a worryingly SPEW-esque look in her eyes, one that spoke of a crazed fanatic dying to break free.

"It's a happy faith," Hermione reassured him.

"OOH! HAPPY!" Snape squealed, his head momentarily appearing in the fire.

"Hermione…. Hermione, wake up! Stop looking at Snape in that dopily blissful way, because you're scaring me!" Hermione's eyes tore away from Snape's burning visage.

"Remember earlier? I have faith… I have faith that I'll _never see anything quite as horrible as that ever again_…"


	4. Grey

"Er… Harry, Hermione, are you dead?" Ron asked cautiously, seeing his two best friends sprawled on a sofa looking decidedly ill.

"No, why?" Harry asked.

"Your faces are both grey, like you're dead or something," Ron said.

"I can't be grey," Harry said.

"You are. So's Hermione."

"But I'm depressed, and she's hung over," Harry objected. "That can't possibly make us grey." Ron rolled his eyes and fished out a little pink mirror from the pocket of his robes.

Harry looked in the mirror, gasped, and looked at Hermione.

"Oh no!" he cried. "We're both suffering from the after-effects of a traumatic sight! We're supposed to look blue!"


	5. Leave me alone

"Sevviekins, speak to me," McGonagall begged.

Snape continued to sit rigidly glaring at a particularly loathsome spot on the wall. Oddly enough, the spot looked just like the rest of the wall and wasn't too sure why it had been singled out for special attention.

"Sevvie, I love you! Why are you doing this to me?" the normally dignified woman begged. Strange how love can make sensible, sane people act so oddly.

"Leave me ALONE!" Snape growled.

"Oh Sevvie, don't be so silly," McGonagall scolded, and moved to sit on the arm of his chair.

"Minnie darling," Snape began in a voice of forced calm. "GO AWAY!"


	6. Jester

Snape was awoken to the dulcet tones of the one he loved. Minerva McGonagall was busy screaming at Peeves as she chased the poltergeist around her bedroom.

"McGonagall and Snapey sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Peeves bawled loud enough for the whole school to hear. Every single student turned from their breakfast towards to the staff table and blanched when they realised that the two professors were absent. Harry and Hermione simultaneously turned sideways and puked.

"Peeves. Is. NOT FUNNY!" Hermione screeched. She had partaken of a rather large dose of alcohol the previous night in an attempt to forget the horrors of catching the two professors stumble lip locked into the potions cupboard that she and Harry were making out in, and she didn't appreciate Hogwarts' resident poltergeist bringing the memory back to the forefront of her mind. Weren't poltergeists supposed to be _funny_?

"Minnie, get the poltergeist out," Snape snapped sleepily.

"Of course, Sevviekins," McGonagall simpered lovingly, and grabbed hold of a chair in a violent manner.

"MINNIE AND SEVVIKINS LYING IN THE BED… oh ye founders… yuck…" Peeves, after being sick, made an oath then and there to stick to _funny_ poltergeist activities in future.


	7. Lust

"I wonder where McGonagall and Snape are," Ron said to Neville at dinner.

"I wonder why we can't get out of this broom cupboard?" McGonagall said, also at the same time, to Snape. _Because I locked it, you fool woman_, Snape thought.

"I wonder why this broom cupboard is locked?" A fourth year Ravenclaw said.

"Seeing as we're locked in here, and I'm a horny studmuffin, why don't we make good use of this little interlude?" Snape suggested lustily.

"Oh, hang on – alohomora!" the Ravenclaw confidently used the unlocking charm.

Snape's eyes were closed as he ripped his shirt off.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy…"

"Erm… Sevviekins…" McGonagall said in a small voice. Snape opened his eyes. The door to the cupboard was open and a student lay passed out on the floor. He'd seen Snape's little striptease from beginning to – well, until he fainted in horror.

"Er… maybe we should go somewhere a little more private," Snape said regretfully, looking at the remnants of his shirt. McGonagall nodded.

Snape couldn't resist the urge to draw fangs on the poor kid's face on his way past the unconscious teenager.


	8. Newbie

"Why does everyone look so grossed out?" the transfer student asked. Peeves had just made his – announcement – to the school.

"Who are you?" Ron asked. He thought he'd have noticed an orange scaly kid before now – it was May, after all.

"I'm Sir Barnaby Octopi XXVII," the young sir announced, waving around a couple of spare legs to demonstrate.

"Bloody hell," Ron exclaimed, and promptly passed out.

* * *

One more to go )


	9. Dragon

"So, Dumbledore, how are things at Hogwarts?" Fudge asked condescendingly.

"Oh, not too bad," Dumbledore said calmly. A passing fourth year Ravenclaw (his fangs still in existence) snorted loudly.

"So reports of mass vomiting, Peeves giving sweets to first years, Granger getting drunk, and Snape and McGonagall shagging like bunnies everywhere but the hallways –" they rounded a corner. Fudge screamed and covered his eyes.

"Totally unfounded," Dumbledore replied. "As you've just observed, they do it in the hallways too."

"Actually, Minister, Hogwarts does have a bit of a problem," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.

"It can't get worse," Fudge groaned.

"We have a rogue dragon wandering around – " Dumbledore was interrupted by a slurp and a crunch. "Cornelius? Where'd he go?" He turned round to see the dragon behind him.

"Agh! Don't eat me!" the brave and noble headmaster screamed.

"No fair," the powerful beast said petulantly. "Not even a nibble? Even just a lick?"

Students of Hogwarts were rather amused by the sight of a dragon chasing their headmaster around the castle with its tongue hanging out, begging to be allowed to lick him.


End file.
